Worlds Best Mom Ever! ;)

I was raised by strict Lutheran parents.

It has never been my desire to force religion upon my children. I always planned on teaching them the basics of many and letting them decide which one was right for them.

Due to circumstances beyond my control Rylan started attending preschool at the same school I went to as a child. It is a Lutheran school just across the street from my Grandparents farm.

My childhood was also a rare one.

I grew up out in the country surrounded by farms, fields, and forests. In fact when my parents were married my dad moved from one end of the farm to the other, which was about ¼ mile.

We are a very close family. To this day (with the exception of my sister who moved in order to teach) my brother and his family, cousins, parents, me and the boys all still live within a 20 minute drive from my Grandparents farm.

My Grandpa Wally passed away 13 years ago so I am very thankful the boys got to know and love their Great Grandma Irene. When she grew ill and was hospitalized earlier this year we visited her as much as possible. And after she passed away in March I sat down with Rylan to try and explain what happened.

“Bud, Grandma Irene died, do you know what that means?”

“Umm, that we put her in the ground.”

Choking back the tears and laughter, “True but then she goes to heaven to be with God.”

“Oh! That’s right! God has a castle up in the clouds!!”

“He sure does Bud and Grandma Irene is going to live with him from now on.”

He sits back and from the look on his face I can tell he is thinking….

“Mom, we need to bring her a cake, and God a party hat!!”

To the moron who decided it was a good idea to place the temperature controls for my refrigerator/freezer in the front of the fridge making them way too easily accessible,

You sir, are a complete idiot!

It is pretty obvious to me that you never had children. Thank goodness! I cannot fathom the heights to which your offspring’s dumb assness would have reached.

/facepalm 

He was born a full two weeks early to end up having not only the same birthday as my mom, April 26^th, but the same birthday as his dad too.

At three months old, for lack of better words, he started to hump everything. Me, the floor, a pillow, his crib, he even rolled over to Rylan one night and started to hump his head.

After a month of his constant humping I brought it up to our doctor during one of his routine visits. I was told this is “normal and self comfort” umm yeah right.

It continued until the age of almost two years old when he found out he could ‘play’ with it instead, oh joy. :/

So one day back in June when he burst into the bathroom just as I was exiting the shower he came to a dead stop, looked at me, and asked “Mom! Where’s your penis?” without hesitation I told him “I played with it too much and it fell off.”

As his jaw hit the floor I watched him look at me in horror then run off.

“Haha! Problem solved” I thought to myself until the next day when he started to tell everybody we ran into how my penis fell of and why.

I did eventually tell him only a few days later the real reason is because girls don’t have a penis but he hardly ever plays with it anymore, totally worth it!!

We agreed before Rylan was born that he would not be a single child. Having someone to play with, a constant companion, a best friend was how we both grew up. Then there was the added bonus of more free labor when they were old enough to start doing chores.

So after a few pretty darn successful months of screwing up one kid we started trying, but not really trying, to have another. Two weeks passed and it hit me that they would only be 20 months apart which would drive me insane. Ah too late.

My second pregnancy was just as easy as the first. Crying while watching my favorite cartoons, waking up at 2am to scarf down corn straight from the can, no morning sickness, etc. but there was one minor glitch.

Kidney stones

I’ve had them since I was 18 and after having Rylan I even had to have radio waves, or what I like to call laser beams, shot into me to break them up into more “passable” sizes.

It’s great, they strap your legs down with not one, not two, but three straps. Then your forehead, chest, arms twice each, belly, and hips. This is to prevent your body from flopping around like a fish out of water while being zapped with said lasers.

So at 5 months pregnant I found myself in the hospital for a week waiting for a stone to pass. They tried to give me Percocet rather often, but I refused due to the baby growing inside me, besides I’m tough I can hack it, yeah right. They made me take it anyway saying pain causes stress which is more harmful.

Finally after it passed the nurse took one look at it said “I’ll be right back” and ran out the door. She returned mere moments later saying “this is morphine” thrusting a huge needle at me before I could say a word

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh morphine coma………………..

now as for no harm done to the baby. I beg to differ………